Going Through Tough Times – The Mushy Stage Of Butterfly Metamorphosis

This is the most raw and personal blog post that I have shared so far. Initially I just intended to write down some insights for myself but it turned out to be a somewhat longer article. It feels scary to show myself this vulnerably in such a public space. But if you are going through tough times, maybe you can relate to it and benefit from my experience and reflections.

I am witnessing a deep shift in my life and work right now. I am becoming more and more aware of the subconscious and partly also unconscious levels of interaction in others. Shadow theater at it’s best. One projection from the past interacting with another. A hurt child in the body of an adult screaming out his pain to a projection of his mother. Few people actually meet in the present moment but rather interact with representatives of their past.

I am almost naturally focussing my practice on these dimensions and have had some powerful experiences when coaching or facilitating on this level.

The fear of not being worthy

At the same time I am thrown back into some very deep rooted beliefs and fears that surface strongly right now. One of the most prominent ones is the fear of not being worthy if I am not „doing“ or working in the sense of being busy. „I only have the right to exist, if I do something for it, I need to earn it“, the inner voice says. For me it is closely connected to earning money, but this is not at the root of it. Even if I had an extraordinary income I know it would not calm that fear and agitation.

„You can never get enough of what you don’t really need.“ – Rich Litvin

The interesting thing about this experience right now is that I can be completely in it and also watch and understand what is happening from the outside. So while experiencing deep existential fear I can at the same time realize that I am not physically in danger and can therefore somewhat moderate the fear-driven reactions of e.g. working harder and longer. I realize for the first time that these are old emotions, stored in my body and finally ready to be released. Even though it feels like dying, the mushy phase of disintegration in the cocoon, I know this is just another step in this constant transformation, another layer to let go of. And I am aware of the destination, of gaining a whole new freedom beyond what I thought was possible. Therefore I can willingly go deeper in it instead of resisting it like so many other times before when this happened.

This trailer explains the effect of stored emotions quite concisely:

I realize that any work I produce from this state of fear is either not aligned with my deeper purpose or is limited in it’s quality by at least 70%, compared to what I could create if I came from a place of true excitement and joy. I rid myself of the power of synchronicity and flow. And I need these forces more than anything on the level that I want to play this game.

Furthermore, what this unaligned actionism creates sooner or later is a deep frustration. I work way beyond my boundaries and in the end I am exhausted and terribly angry that I still don’t feel like I am worthy, that I have achieved something and can finally rest. If others then don’t give me the positive confirmation that I expect them to, I get angry really quickly. I feel attacked personally without the other person having any intention of doing so.

The itch that tries to scratch itself

The hardest part is to resist the temptation to just go to the computer and work for another hour (or four). To just do something in order not to feel that overwhelming pain. That pain that seems so unreasonable. So irrational. But it is there. And it just get’s stronger the harder I push. Like an itch that tries to scratch itself.

The reason why my strategy of working harder is not working is so obvious. It is not about working hard and being acknowledged for it. It is about a hurt child. A child that is afraid. A child that is longing for love and approval. A deep longing to finally be okay and to be allowed to rest safely. And maybe play once it has rested. And this love cannot be given by anyone outside. I am the only one who can take care of my inner child. And once the child feels seen and loved, my creativity, curiosity and joy can come back automatically.

So the only responsible move is to stand still and to feel that pain consciously, to allow to touch me even deeper. Just the thought of taking a day off increases the pain. But this is the way to go. To hold myself and be compassionate with everything that arises. I feel these islands of stillness and caring for myself by just witnessing and being with what is also in between appointments during a busy day. And it feels good to have a commitment and the true strength (not the conditioned “I have to!”) to do what really needs to be done while taking care of myself more and more.    

The silent promise on the horizon

In healing that wound lies an unimaginable increase in energy and freedom. Healing in the sense of becoming more whole again. I am taking yet another part of myself and my inner child to me that I have been in denial of. I am loved. No matter what.

And in it lies the promise of a immeasurable gift and a message to share with all my brothers and sisters on that path of peeling the onion. There is nothing we need to do to be loved. And once we realize this, we are capable of doing things beyond our imagination. Because our actions come from that unlimited love and source of energy, a creativity that results in complete actions, one of the characteristics of mastery. It does not leave an open circle or Samskara.

May you all find the strength to face your fears and hold them compassionately. Hold them gently but fiercely with a love that penetrates every pain and despair. And be gentle with each other, we are all united on our ways through this transformation.

And please let me know if I can support you on your journey. Serving in this way is what I truly feel called to do after all the fear and conditioning is stripped away.